A Year of Motherhood and Becoming Someone New

It's midnight, and here I am, thinking about motherhood again. Nothing unusual, really. Just me and my thoughts, wondering how a tiny human can change so much about your life without even trying.

I don't know if this is just a phase or if it's something I'll carry with me forever. I'm still figuring things out as I go, and honestly, I don't think there's a handbook for any of this. But lately, I've been thinking about the girl I was before becoming a mom. She's still somewhere in this body, you know? Sometimes, I can feel her trying to come out, and I wonder what she'd think of the life I'm living now.

Anyway, last month, my baby girl turned one. One whole year of watching her grow, learning her little quirks, and trying to figure out what on earth I'm doing. But it was also one whole year of me being a mom. Somehow, while everyone was celebrating her first birthday, I was quietly celebrating myself, too. A whole year of being a mom. A whole year of becoming someone new.

And what a year it's been.

I'm incredibly lucky to have the support system I do. It may not be a big one, but it's more than enough, and I've come to appreciate that more than ever.

So yeah, her birthday celebration was intimate and meaningful, with all the people I love gathered together for both me and my little girl. Despite being sleep-deprived and overwhelmed throughout the whole thing, everything turned out beautifully.

I was even supposed to bake her birthday cake myself, but I had so much on my plate that I eventually decided to hire a baker instead. Thank goodness for that decision. I love my daughter, but I also love knowing when to delegate. This whole mothering thing has taught me many things, and one of them is that I don't need to make my own life harder just to prove that I can do everything myself.

Now that my little girl is slowly entering her toddler era, I have a feeling things are about to get even more interesting. She's growing, learning, and becoming her own little person. Somewhere along the way, I've realised that I need to grow with her, too.

Growing up doesn’t stop just because you already have a child

I used to think that once you became an adult, you were pretty much done figuring yourself out. You'd know what you liked, what you wanted, and how to handle life's little inconveniences. Then you have a baby, and suddenly, you're learning new things about yourself every other day. Some lessons are beautiful. Others come with a side of tears and an overwhelming desire to lie face down on the bed for five minutes.

I'm learning to be more patient, more flexible, and a little kinder to myself. I'm learning that I can't always do things the way I used to, and that's okay. The version of me who existed before motherhood had different responsibilities, different priorities, and a lot more uninterrupted sleep. I can't expect her to function exactly the same way now, can I?

I can love my baby and still need a break

I've also learned that I can love my baby more than anything in the world and still need a break from being a mom.

This is probably one of the things I've had to remind myself of the most.

Some days, I'm overwhelmed. Some days, I just want to be alone for a little while, without hearing baby cries or wondering what needs to be done next. Some days, I want to sleep all day and have a good old-fashioned nothing day, just like I used to. No responsibilities, no schedule, no tiny human depending on me for practically everything. Just me, my bed, and absolutely no plans.

And some days, I genuinely feel like quitting my one and only job.

Of course, I don't mean that I want to stop being her mom. I just mean that sometimes, being a mom is hard. Really hard. And there are moments when I miss the freedom of being responsible for only myself.

I think there's a difference between wishing for a break and wishing for a different life. Sometimes, I just need the former, and I've learned not to feel so guilty about it.

Because here's the thing: having a hard day doesn't mean I'm having a hard life, and needing time for myself doesn't make me any less grateful for the life I have.

The truth is, those feelings don't define my entire experience of motherhood. They're just little moments scattered throughout the week. Most days, I'm happy. Most days, I'm thankful. Most days, I feel a kind of joy that's difficult to put into words, all because of one little girl who probably has no idea how much she has changed my life.

She's definitely a handful, though. A very cute handful, but a handful nonetheless.

Learning to appreciate the little things

And while we're on the subject of things motherhood has changed, I think it's also changed the way I see the little things.

I'm always someone who appreciates the little things, but I think I notice them even more now. The little milestones, the funny faces, the new things she learns to do. Things that might seem ordinary to someone else can feel like the biggest deal to me. Watching her figure something out for the first time, seeing her smile when she recognises someone she loves, or simply sitting beside her while she plays with her toys can make an otherwise ordinary day feel special.

I used to think that memorable moments somehow had to be planned. They had to be birthdays, holidays, or something worth taking pictures of. But no. Sometimes, the moments you'll remember most are the ones you never thought twice about while they were happening.

Maybe it's because I know how quickly she's growing. One minute, she's this tiny baby who needs me for everything, and the next, she's doing something new that makes me wonder where all the time went. I want to remember it all.

Although, if someone could slow time down just a little, that would be lovely. I'm not asking for much.

I suppose that's another thing I've been learning: I can miss the little baby she used to be while looking forward to the little girl she's becoming. I can feel sentimental about the past without wishing away the present. Both feelings can exist at the same time, and neither takes away from how much I love watching her grow.

And perhaps that's about it so far. Learning to hold two feelings at once. Feeling exhausted and grateful. Missing my old life while loving my new one. Wanting a little space for myself while wishing I could freeze certain moments with my baby forever.

It's a strange, beautiful thing, isn't it?

I’m still me, too

I'm learning that I don't have to lose myself to become a good mom.

For a while, I think I expected motherhood to change me in some big, obvious way. And it has, of course. My days look different, my priorities have shifted, and my idea of a relaxing evening has changed quite a bit. But I'm still me, too.

I still have my own interests, little dreams, and things I want to do just for myself. I still enjoy the quiet moments when I can have them. I still have days when I want to write, create something, or spend time doing absolutely nothing. I still have that girl inside me who existed before I became somebody's mom.

She's not gone. She's just growing alongside me.

Maybe that's the part of motherhood I'm only beginning to understand. I don't have to choose between being the person I was and the person I'm becoming. There's room for both. I can be a mom and still be my own person. I can love my little family wholeheartedly and still make space for the things that make me feel like myself.

I'm only one year into this whole nurturing thing, so I know there's still so much to learn. I'm sure I'll look back on this post a few years from now and laugh at how little I knew. Maybe I'll even have an entirely different perspective on some of these things.

But for now, this is where I am. A little tired, a little overwhelmed, sometimes missing my old routines, but mostly just thankful to be here.

And if there's one thing I hope to remember from this first year, it's that I don't need to have everything figured out. I don't need to be the perfect mom, the most patient mom, or the mom who somehow manages to bake a beautiful birthday cake while keeping every other part of her life together.

Sometimes, I just need to show up, love my baby, and give myself a little grace along the way.

For now, I think that's more than enough.

If you're a mom, too, I'd love to know what's one little thing motherhood has changed about you that you never expected?